For many people, any breach of sexual exclusivity spells disaster.
"He cheated on me. It's over!"
Even when infidelity does not cause a breakup, it often causes serious damage to the relationship.
Married people have every right to insist on monogamy, but it is clear that many people find it impossible to limit themselves to just one partner for life.
Are humans naturally monogamous?
Many insist that monogamy is “natural.”
In fact, only about 9 percent of mammalian species mate for life, and among humans, the prevalence of infidelity undermines claims that sexual exclusivity is innate:
In the Bible, polygamy was common, several wives or one official wife plus concubines. In Genesis, Jacob has two wives, Leah and Rachel, and two concubines, Bilhah and Zilpah.
Advocates of strict monogamy often claim that non-monogamy simply doesn’t work.
For most, that may be true, but according to Psychology Today, many couples in long-term relationships have been practicing non-monogamy on and off for decades:
One couple, together for 15 years, are monogamous, but every year for the wife’s birthday, her husband organizes an annual threesome with another man.
Another, married for 20 years, is essentially monogamous, with the wife spending a weekend with her other partner every month.
Another couple, together for 25 years, maintain monogamy at home but give each other “leave” when one travels for business.
If monogamy is natural, why do so many novels, plays, movies, songs, and TV shows revolve around infidelity?
A few observations:
“Monogamy is like using a 20-watt light bulb to read. It works, but it’s not enough.” Playwright John Patrick Shanley (1950-).
“We drove back to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical it is to leave the man you want to be with for a man you don’t want and then, in a fit of excitement, have sex with the one you don’t want while pretending it’s the one you want. That’s monogamy.” Author Erica Jong (1942-), in Fear of Flying (1973).
“I told my wife I was going to a psychiatrist. She told me she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender.” Comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004).
Monogamy critic Dan Savage points out that until the 20th century, most cultures assumed that men were naturally non-monogamous.
Savage points out that we humans are undoubtedly imperfect, but when it comes to sexual exclusivity, many demand perfection.
"Isn't it time to rethink monogamy?" he asks.
How widespread is infidelity?
Infidelity is difficult to research. Few people willingly admit to it.
The acceptance of non-monogamy depends on how researchers ask the question.
Scientists at the University of Colorado asked 4,800 married women about cheating over the past year using face-to-face interviews and an anonymous questionnaire. Only 1 percent admitted to cheating in the interviews, 6 percent in the anonymous questionnaire.
Meanwhile, controversy clouds the definition of "cheating."
Most say it's sex with someone other than your spouse.
What about spouses who are separated but not divorced? Is infidelity defined as any kind of sex outside of marriage? Or just secret sex? Or just sex with emotional involvement? What about sex with sex workers? Or supposedly heterosexual people who are gay, lesbian? What about just flirting? Or kissing?
